The healing process

Other short articles:
The spiritual element
Choosing a therapist
Tai Chi and depression
Asperger's syndrome

Links and feedback

Depression has lost its sting, and it's now just a matter of a little patience and being kind to yourself. You do still get the weepies for a while, and they still come out of the blue, but you start to treat them differently. I would perhaps go out 'for a cigarette', or 'to go to the loo' (to cause as little embarrassment as possible), and just let the body/brain mechanism run its course. I found I could talk quite normally with tears rolling down my face, just as if there was a cold wind. If anyone asked (which was surprisingly rare, even among 'caring' people) I'd just say: 'It's just the old brain up to its tricks again'.

Now that the ego isn't feeding them, the weepies get fewer and farther between, and last minutes rather than days. Eventually you can see them coming and cut them out altogether. Because you've done all the thinking, you don't have to rush the process because you know now that there's no threat to what you are and how you see yourself. You can let it run its course, just the way you let a wound or a bruise heal.

Sleep starts to refresh you again. Whether you slept too much or too little before, you begin to discover the right kind of tiredness, the kind that goes with a sense of having achieved something today. Tomorrow becomes a whole new day, not just a continuation of all those 'orrible yesterdays. If a day does go pear-shaped, you mentally shrug it off as an effect of the weather, or hormones, or something equally non-threatening. It becomes very rare to have two bad days in a row.

Like so many life changes of this kind, this one creeps up on you. Suddenly you realise that you're not depressed any more. When someone's less than civil to you, you think they're probably having a bad day. You can look at your mistakes and see them as learning opportunities. You don't take things personally any more. Plenty of things still bother you (for instance I'm still too lazy and disorganised), but they bother you differently, because there's a new symmetry between you and other people.

You start to notice small things you can do for people that you never would have been bold enough to do before. It's not that you make new rules for yourself, such as: next time I see x, I'll remember to do y. It's rather that you notice things in the moment and respond. A tiny example: there I was one day, coming out of the supermarket with a full trolley and two screaming small boys, one in a fireman's lift, the other in the trolley which I had only one free hand to push. A bunch of 'young louts', figuratively if not actually swilling their lager, were standing outside watching me. Suddenly one of them came up to me and offered to help me with the trolley! It cost him nothing, and was exactly what was needed. That young lad wasn't depressed. If you're depressed, a little kindness like that can look like a mountain to climb. As it was, we both came away from it feeling that the world was a better place.

You're not constantly evaluating your character any more. You can accept compliments graciously because they're nice, they're feedback, and your life doesn't depend on the truth of them. You look back and realise the house is a little bit tidier for a little bit longer. You're more relaxed, and at the same time getting more things done, including those little jobs that have taunted you for years. You're finding more clothes in the shops that suit you. You discover new avenues for your creativity. You discover new depths in your friendships, and new friends are made, effortlessly. In short, good things start to happen in shedloads.

A quick word about medication: there's some debate among the professionals as to whether the low serotonin levels are caused by the depression or vice versa. It seems, from my experience, that this is another feedback loop. I haven't had my brain examined, but it certainly seems as though my serotonin levels are as high now as they were when I decided to stop the Prozac. Exercise is now formally acknowledged to be an important factor in the relief of depression, too, so it's worth making decisions in favour of exercise where you have the choice - take the bicycle or walk where the journey is short enough, for instance.

That's it for the BROH pages. There are three more articles, linked to one another. They all reflect my personal experience, which I don't presume will be the same as yours, but they might offer some reconnaissance information if you haven't yet been there yourself. Meanwhile, I wish you all the best for your continuing journey.

Other short articles:
The spiritual element
Choosing a therapist
Tai Chi and depression
Asperger's syndrome

Links and feedback

BROH pages:
The advantages
What you need
The trick explained
Me and my BROH
The healing process

Copyright © 2001
Vivien J. H. Mitchell PhD