One of the most surprising discoveries as I came out of the dysthymia was how easy it was to start to let go of the ego. I suppose I'd better define what I mean by the ego: it's just the sum total of opinions you have about yourself. That's not the same thing as consciousness/hamartia, which is more like the sum total of your perspectives on the world (although there's a can of worms around here somewhere to the effect that the world you perceive is a reflection of yourself. I'm leaving that aside for the moment).
Ego, then, is consciousness, or judgement, of self and it doesn't matter whether the judgement is positive or negative, it's still ego. Like sin, ego is a term that has bad connotations, and I want to keep it neutral as much as possible so we can think about it without hidden agendas. Overt agendas are fine: consciousness and ego are all about setting goals for ourselves, which is an essential aspect of personal development. We want to be comfortable with ourselves, and there's nothing wrong with that.
But when I discovered the BROH trick, I realised that the judgements about myself were a bit of an unnecessary millstone around my neck. I realised that having an ego that I was satisfied with would be no less of a burden than a constant nagging low self-esteem is. Totally apart from the background idea, seeping into consciousness through repetition in the wisdom literature, that the self is an illusion anyway, any opinion about myself is fragile and so has to be defended. I discovered that it was not only possible, but quite a relief, to ignore it altogether and pay attention to my surroundings instead of myself. In other words, an excellent strategy for getting comfortable with yourself is not to try to reprogramme yourself to meet saintly standards, but just to let the world guide you.
This doesn't mean you stop learning, and it doesn't mean you stop setting goals for yourself. I can 'reprogramme' myself to use Dreamweaver to put up this website, or cook healthier recipes for the family, or get in touch with my lower dantien. They all require a bit of discipline, and are all uses of consciousness/hamartia, the judgement that something could do with improvement, but the focus has changed. When you make a mistake, you can feel shame without going over the top about it, and when something comes out right you can be delighted without either getting too big for your boots or getting all hot and bothered about the sin of pride.
So you don't have to fight your ego, or keep it on a tight rein or anything like that. You just carry on as normal and it fades of its own accord. My prediction is that the can of worms alluded to in the first paragraph will turn to beautiful butterflies and fly away soon enough, leaving a nice clean Dao to look at.
next essay: taijiquan & qigong
